Stories | Remote Control King
Donde esta el Wampeer?
Published Aug. 13, 2008
Nobody's ever asked the question "What if a vampire and a zombie were trapped together in a sealed room?" Until now. You see, here at stately Underpants Manor we're gigglingly wealthy, curious, and a little weird. ...
Ollie Ewok
Published Aug. 6, 2008
I look like the most reviled creature on Earth, and I’ll tell you what it is: an Ewok. If you don’t hate Ewoks, you’re not paying attention. And don’t give me that “you said ‘the ...
The Holiday Edition
Published July 30, 2008
Here at Tablecloth Cape Studios we strive to stay ahead of the competition. While other news outlets blather on about sunscreen, we’re going to stuff stale bread up a turkey’s chute and call it the ...
John Holmes Mysteries Published July 23, 2008
The two most embarrassing elements of my existence are (1) I enjoy girl folk music, and (2) I occasionally wake up, still drunk from the ... More Comments (2)
Al-Qaeda built my coffeemaker Published July 16, 2008
Its internal workings comprise several kludgy elements. Inside it are: the wiring of a movie time bomb that forces my coffeemaker to count down from ... More Post a comment
Go Away, History! Published July 9, 2008
“Que mas?” the girl said, swishing her black hair over her ear. "Que mas?" She turned from me, held her arms above her head, and ... More Comments (4)
Stop! Drop! And Roll! Published July 2, 2008
All through elementary school, my classmates and I were treated to instructions, both live and on VHS tape, detailing what we should do if we ... More Comments (2)
Goodbye, Ol' Girl Published June 25, 2008
Like an elderly pet, my television shows signs of physical and mental decline. And not one of those throwaway pets like a county-fair goldfish; no, ... More Comments (7)
Super Why? Published June 18, 2008
The city is a procrustean bed for man’s wildness. His heart and eyes disfavor straight line and timidity. Children know this. Set a child down ... More Comments (6)
Dance, Monkey Boy, Dance! Published June 11, 2008
Kim Cattrall is a vampire. By night, Kim Cattrall feeds on Hooters girls innocently making out with each other in the parking lot. I haven’t ... More Comments (2)
Chimp People Published June 4, 2008
Some people look like chimpanzees, and that’s the truth of it. I’m not being mean or hurtful. You’ve seen that person who looks like a ... More Comments (3)
A Letter to My Neighbors Published May 28, 2008
Dear Poor People Who Live Next Door to Me, I am dreadfully sorry to bother you, but could you be a little quieter, please. Propping ... More Post a comment
Seinfeld Meets Garfield Published May 21, 2008
Conversation between Garfield and Seinfeld Seinfeld: Hey there, Garfield. Looks like you’re having a tough weekend. Didn’t know you liked the sauce so much. Garfield: ... More Comment (1)
The Drunken Clowns of Vegas Published May 14, 2008
If you’re a complete debauchery amateur, Vegas is racy. Other than that it’s about as provocative as birthday cake. Considering my 20s, gambling, booze, drugs, ... More Post a comment
The Underpants Tablecloth-Caped Avenger Published May 7, 2008
Hold on to your butts, kids! Here comes another installment of...The Underpants Tablecloth-Caped Avenger! Disguised as my nebbish alter ego, Johan Awesome, I patrolled an ... More Comments (3)
An Open Letter to American Babies Published April 30, 2008
An Open Letter to All American Babies:You were born in the United States. You are a human being, so therefore you have the right to ... More Comments (2)
Where the Hell's My Hot Sauce? Published April 23, 2008
The question was, Where the hell is my hot sauce? As with so many little mysteries in my life, the answer is, I’m retarded. Situated ... More Comments (2)
Hair Lip Published April 16, 2008
— May 1, 2000 Not only was I late for work, but my car’s booster engine fouled up. It didn’t explode or anything, it streamed ... More Post a comment
Quick, Who's My Favorite Ninja Turtle? Published April 9, 2008
Bleakness rent my spirit. For days I pinched the bridge of my nose and squinted. I pushed at the inside corner of my eyes until ... More Post a comment
The Statistics Issue Published April 2, 2008
Crowded on the shelf and partially hidden by other books, the bright yellow spine of the stupidest book ever glared out to me, The Complete ... More Post a comment
Almost a Boy Scout Published March 26, 2008
For a long time, the only development project in my neighborhood belonged to a swarm of wasps building a papery hive in the corner of ... More Post a comment
America's Sweatiest Fatties Published March 19, 2008
This is true. I know my reputation for oddball fiction and addled fantasy damages my credibility, but I swear, this is true. A spider and ... More Post a comment
Queen of the Southern Mines Published March 12, 2008
My dad still lives in our hometown of Sonora. Folks call the area different things, depending on what they want to sell you. It’s “God’s ... More Comments (2)
How the Nightly News Should Be Published March 5, 2008
How the Nightly News Should Be: Today, billions of people survived. Of our species, less than one percent was killed, raped, or burglarized. So, don’t ... More Post a comment
Gangland Ollie Published Feb. 27, 2008
I live above a liquor store in City Heights. The store’s sign stands out in the neighborhood, as it’s the only one in English. Across ... More Comments (2)
The Ass Beating List Published Feb. 20, 2008
There’s that old sentiment that the world would be monumentally better off if a list of people received a hefty ass beating. You know what ... More Comment (1)
How We've Started to Suck Published Feb. 13, 2008
In Esztergom, Hungary, I saw for the first time in my life a dioramic representation of how human beings have managed to overthrow nature and ... More Comments (4)
Nemesis Ad Published Feb. 6, 2008
My Personal Ad on an Internet Dating Site: This isn’t for dating. I’m not making this profile to get dates. This profile is to audition ... More Comments (2)
Interview with a Billboard Published Jan. 30, 2008
I Interview the Billboard Down the Street Me: Hey, how’s it going? Billboard: Not bad. It’s been rainy, but I usually get good sun, just ... More Post a comment
Lost Published Jan. 23, 2008
All anybody really wants is to be naked. Well, there are other things that one might want, but “nude” sits — on a towel, one ... More Comments (3)
Kazoo Hero Published Jan. 16, 2008
They may not do it this way down here, but in my little town in the hills, kids slept outside when the weather was right. ... More Post a comment
Hungarian Plumbing Published Jan. 9, 2008
Hungarian plumbers are all great fans of M.C. Escher, I’ve deduced. They don’t just see the artist’s creative works as pleasing concepts but more as ... More Comment (1)
TiVo for the New Year Published Jan. 2, 2008
Wow. 2008 can choke on it. First day, I was shot in the butt with a BB gun. I’m not kidding. Some little terrorist with ... More Post a comment
Tonight on the News Published Dec. 27, 2007
Ron and I were eating a sugary scone and talking about our plans to pork up over the coming holidays. I had decidedly given up, ... More Post a comment
Honest Abe, Pro Wrestler Published Dec. 20, 2007
Abraham Lincoln was born on May 6, 1954, to a poor family of Central California date farmers. Baby Abraham came out bald as a spoon ... More Post a comment
Time Machine Clothes Dryer Published Dec. 13, 2007
Two years ago, around this time, I built a time machine from a Dynamo clothes dryer and sent an orange housecat to the past. To ... More Post a comment
Christmas Colors Published Dec. 6, 2007
At ten years old I was in a serious Lawrence of Arabia phase. For Christmas I drew out what I wanted in crayon and left ... More Post a comment
Honk if You Hate Christmas Published Nov. 29, 2007
Christmas gargles mule, and let me tell you why. It's not religion or my lack of it. Everyone has a deal. Your deal is what ... More Post a comment
I.M. Blues Published Nov. 21, 2007
Startling me from sleep, my clunky phone lit up and buzzed on the nightstand. Ding ding! Brrrr! I rubbed the sleep from my eyes, fumbled ... More Post a comment
Red Eye Published Nov. 15, 2007
A red-eye flight, six miles above the black icy Atlantic, winging toward Greenland is the quintessential setting to make a pillow fort and work on ... More Post a comment
List Published Nov. 8, 2007
"Here," my girlfriend said and handed me a sheet of paper. "Read this." "All right." I cleared my throat and snapped the paper twice for ... More Post a comment
Thrift Shop Lady Published Nov. 1, 2007
There are few things as vile as a thrift-shop lady. They're drawn to the mothball air like a mummy to its crypt, and they exist ... More Post a comment
Workin' for the Man Published Oct. 25, 2007
Pandalike, I remain uninterested in much except rolling on my large furry back, grappling with my own feet, and gnawing on things. There existed a ... More Post a comment
Veiny Blue Cheese Published Oct. 18, 2007
There's a type of person who likes veiny blue cheese. Hunks of it, with raucous funky ribbons that smell like abandoned gym socks and taste ... More Post a comment
Turning Viennese Published Oct. 11, 2007
Austria is not Mexico. That's the slogan Ron and I devised after our third day in Vienna. The whole slogan goes, "Hey, settle down, man. ... More Post a comment
General Lee, G.I. Joe, Transformers Published Oct. 4, 2007
The girl, whom I had never met before, shoved a black, oblong box at me, hard into my stomach, and I wheezed when it crammed ... More Post a comment
The Reader's Eye on Television Published Sept. 27, 2007
Oh, they love to tell you they're in a wheelchair, don't they? This one screamed it. "I see you're in a wheelchair, sir." I said, ... More Post a comment
The Reader's Eye on Television Published Sept. 20, 2007
There's a trick to those stinky nicotine patches. You've got to attach them to the tender flesh at the zenith of the ribcage curve to ... More Post a comment
The Reader's Eye on Television Published Sept. 13, 2007
My dentist looked at me as though he knew a secret, as if he knew something about my underpants and extra-virgin olive oil. He twisted ... More Post a comment
The Reader's Eye on Television Published Sept. 6, 2007
That woman in Howard the Duck did it with him, and he was a duck, and that's weird and sad, but it's not why the ... More Post a comment
The Reader's Eye on Television Published Aug. 30, 2007
Mean people's rice pilaf is a terrible disgrace. At Kaiser Vanduzer's Brathaus and World War One Memorial, get the wiener sandwich and wheat beer, but ... More Post a comment
The Reader's Eye on Television Published Aug. 23, 2007
Tiki people are a disgusting, wild, terrified group. This weekend at the tiki convention I witnessed the grossest of base, amoral misbehavior by adults. It ... More Post a comment
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